Equal (Marriage) Rites

Dear readers,

I couldn't possibly be happier to announce that Euan and I are engaged! If you follow my blog regularly, you'll be familiar with Euan; the high school sweetheart who has stuck by me through several years of health problems to prove himself worthy of my hand. We went to the beautiful Lake District just last week, and right on the banks of Lake Windermere he asked me to be his wife.

However, while I'm swept up in the happiness and excitement of wedding planning, I can't help but feel a touch of survivor's guilt. As a disabled woman, I'm extremely lucky to be in a position where I can choose to get married, and to whom. In earlier posts, I've promised a detailed breakdown of the state of disabled people's family rights, so here it is.

In many parts of the world, there are huge legal, economic and social barriers which prevent disabled people from getting married. Even in the West, a lot of people assume that we can't; that nobody would love us romantically, or that we can't consent to a big commitment like that. Disabled people are often infantilised, and in the UK, that means being treated as if you can't consent to getting married, having sex or having children. This attitude can extend as far as the authorisation of forced sterilisations of disabled people. As of 2017 (when I wrote my Master's dissertation on this very subject), the last forced sterilisation in Britain had been carried out in 2015, and it remains a legal practice. The children of disabled parents are also vastly over-represented in the care system, with some cases demonstrating that children were removed purely because of their parents' disability, in a clear violation of their right to a family life. So, while there are no legal barriers to disabled people being married in the UK, having kids is another issue altogether, and there are lots of social and attitudinal barriers which prevent disabled people from building long-term, loving relationships.

In other countries, the barriers are financial. In the USA, disabled people can legally get married, but will typically lose entitlement to disability benefits if they do. Since these benefits are vital to pay for medical and care costs, and their new spouse's salary often doesn't make up the difference (particularly if they are also disabled) a lot of disabled people opt out of getting married. The decision to get married stops being one filled with joy, and instead becomes a fraught exercise in number-crunching. 'What if I can't pay for my carer?' 'what if I can't afford my prescriptions?' These are questions no bride-to-be should have to ask herself.

Meanwhile, disabled people in other parts of the world face even stricter restrictions on their ability to marry and live a private, family life. In Ireland, a law preventing people with intellectual disabilities from having sex was only recently repealed, in favour of a system which treats disabled people as individuals with individual capacity to consent. In some parts of sub-Saharan Africa, disabled people can be ostracised, and either ignored by their community or deliberately hidden away by their family, preventing them from ever meeting other people. The shame of being associated with a disabled person drives some people to keep their romantic relationships hidden. Meanwhile, in Bangladesh, Nepal and India, families force disabled girls into arranged marriages with whoever will accept them, because of the perception that nobody will marry them for love. According to the UN's latest report on disability and the Sustainable Development Goals, only 36% of countries don't have restrictions on disabled people which impact their right to marry.

With all this in mind, I consider myself to be extremely lucky. Euan and I have faced social barriers to our relationship, but have so far managed to overcome them, and thankfully live in a country where we aren't legally prevented from getting married. But as we start to plan our future together, I'm still acutely aware that it will be a long time before every disabled person is able to enjoy the same basic rights. I've included some of my sources below, so you can check them for yourselves.

Thanks for reading,

Rebecca

Rowherder, B. 'Disability Stigma in Developing countries' Institute of Development Studies (2018)

Sabin, L. 'Mother of 6 with learning disabilities can be put through forced sterilisation, rules judge' The Independent (2015)

The Journal 'Decriminalisation of people with intellectual disabilities having sex welcomed' The Journal (2017)

United Nations 'Flagship Report on Disability and Sustainable Development Goals' United Nations (2018)